Chuck Norris Jokes and Facts
Top 20 Best Chuck Norris Jokes
- Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim on land.
- If Chuck Norris falls into a river, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet, the river gets Chuck Norrised.
- Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now just The Islands.
- Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
- Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
- Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
- Chuck Norris’ tears can cure cancer, it’s a shame he’s never cried.
- When the Boogieman goes to sleep at night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris knows Victoria’s Secret.
- There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals that Chuck Norris allows to live.
- Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris can speak braille.
- Behind Chuck Norris’ beard there is no chin, there is only another fist.
- Chuck Norris converted God to atheism.
- There is no Ctrl button on Chuck Norris’ keyboard. Chuck Norris is always in control.
- If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google, it doesn’t ask what you meant. It simply comes back as RUN.
- Chuck Norris died ten years ago, the Grim Reaper just can’t build up the courage to tell him.
- Chuck Norris got stabbed by a knife. After 2 weeks of pain the knife died.
- Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
- When Chuck does push-ups, he doesn’t push himself up, he pushes the world down.
Chuck Norris Jokes form Expendables 2
Stallone:- I thought you were dead. I heard that you got bitten by a King Cobra.
Norris:- Yes, I was bitten by a King Cobra. After five days of enduring excruciating agony, the cobra died.
Dirty Chuck Norris Jokes
- Chuck Norris can impregnate you via anal or oral sex.
- One night Chuck Norris had a pissing contest outside of a bar. He won when his opponents drowned.
- They once made a “Chuck Norris” brand toilet paper, but it wouldn’t take shit from anybody.
- Chuck Norris became a 5 time Olympic gold medalist in pole vaulting using only his penis.
- Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris doesn’t pay for sex. Sex pays for Chuck Norris.
- One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its scientific term: Jupiter.
- 70% of a human’s weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris’ weight is his dick.
- Edmund Hillary did not win the Nobel prize for climbing mount Everest on the morning of May 29th 1953. This is not because there is no Nobel prize for mountain climbing, it is because the highest point on earth in the morning is Chuck Norris’s erect penis. It was Chuck Norris’ girlfriend who won the Nobel prize.
- Chuck Norris uses live rattlesnakes as condoms.
- Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
- If you come home to find Chuck Norris doing your wife, it’s probably best to go fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Chuck gets thirsty.
More Chuck Norris Jokes
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris’ dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
Chuck Norris gave cats nine lives so he could kill them more.
Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.
Microsoft has released a new Anti-virus removal tool called Chuck Norris. The tool dares the virus to enter the machine.
Chuck Norris never hides, he only seeks.
If Chuck Norris were an Olympic athlete, the Olympics would be canceled. Every four years they would just mail Chuck Norris his 237 gold medals.
Chuck Noris caught all 150 pokemon in 2.7 seconds.
Chuck Norris doesn’t have a bank account. He just tells the bank how much he needs.
Contrary to popular belief, George Bush is a great speaker and rarely mispronounces words. He appears incompetent because he knows Chuck Norris is watching.
There ain’t no future in any other course of action. Chuck Norris uses all seven letters in Scrabble… Every turn.